Safewords without the shame
I recently wrote a blog that focused on taking subs and slaves to breaking point: that is to say the point at which the ‘victim’ can take no more of the teasing or torture and is now putty in My Dominant hands.
Of course, if you do not want to reach this point of total submission (and some might say liberation), the time-honoured solution is to use a safeword. This gives both the submissive and the Dominant partner in play the confidence to play ‘on the edge’ without taking an unnecessary or uncalculated risk.
As an aside and general rule, players that identify as slaves by their own preference do not get safewords after their first session with Me (even slaves get safewords when they first play with Me just so I can confirm if they really are a slave or a sub).
Now, for the sake of anyone and everyone that comes and sees Me for a session, I operate three main safewords: Amber, Red and Green.
Given the similarities with traffic lights, I’m going to draw on analogies from the world of cars to illustrate how My safewords work in practice.
- Amber is like the brake pedal. This enables the sub to slow down the scene when the intensity is becoming that little bit too much to bear. It doesn’t bring a halt to the scene, but it does give the sub the opportunity to enforce a break point so that they can regain their composure and continue with the scene without using the more severe ‘Red’ safeword.
- Red is like the emergency parking brake (or handbrake as it’s known in the UK). It stops a scene dead in its tracks. This may because we have inadvertently reached a sub’s hard limits or the compound effect of the scene has simply become too much. Contrary to popular belief, even a Red does not have to result in a permanent end to a scene, but it can. Whether I resume a scene really depends on how the sub is feeling, their ability to cope with what’s happening to them and of course, my reading of their true emotions and state of mind borne out of more than 20 years of play and a background in human psychology.
- Green is the accelerator pedal (or gas pedal in the US). I think I am the only person in the scene that has a safeword that allows the sub to say that, in essence, they want MORE. But in my opinion, it seemed a logical extension of the idea of having safewords. Some subs want to speed up a scene to get to the more intense points and Green gives Me and them the opportunity to have that happen without breaking the flow of the action.
So those are my safewords. The next question is obviously: ‘When is it acceptable to safeword?’
Now that is a very interesting question and will significantly extend the length of this post.
First of all, it’s worth noting that many of my clients come to Me with a desire to serve, and ultimately, please Me. That’s very laudable and after all what the D/s (Dominant/submissive) is supposed to be all about.
HOWEVER, I would rather someone use their safewords than worry about disappointing Me in all honesty. Few reasons:
- The sub hated what happened. This is very rare, but if the scene was, in its entirety, too extreme but the sub felt they could not safeword out of it, they are pretty unlikely to want to see Me again.
- New play partners need calibration. Whenever I agree to meet a professional client, I take great pains to get to know them over email, messaging and often, phone calls. This is a time-intensive and sometimes laborious process designed to get inside the head of the submissive client. However, even with all this pre-work, it can still not be immediately obvious how far and how strong the sub wants Me to play. So safewords, particularly Amber and Green help me gauge true limits, tolerances and yes, even courage of each individual with whom I play.
- There’s never any shame in using a safeword. Let me say that again: there is NO SHAME in using a safeword. They say that the best lessons come from our mistakes and in my many years of play, I’ve made enough that I’ve become adept at reading most situations. That said, I find that the use of safewords precipitates a much deeper and more profound dialogue with My clients that helps me get to the true core of their fantasies and desires.
So please, use your safewords and use them with pride. My belief is that once I’ve played with a client enough times, safewords become largely redundant, but if you do not have the confidence to use them, I’m never going to really know what your true limits are.